MdS #3: Registration

There are too many days where I feel like I'm watching my life fly by. I didn't want to add another regret to the growing list as I get older. It's too easy to find a reason to not sign up--I'm not ready or I don't have time. I'm signing up no matter what as soon as registration opens. This year would mark the 40th edition of MdS, but I didn't care about that at all. I'm making time. I'm going to check one thing off my bucket list by next April.

I don't really know how to prepare, and I don't really know what to prepare either. If I really got cold feet, they have a very flexible deferral policy so I really didn't hesitate to register as soon as sign-ups opened in the summer. Even my friend who usually joins for all my races called me crazy for signing up this time.

I guess I'm on my own again for this race, but I don't really mind. I remember a random line from a movie, and it often repeats in my head.

Where I walk, I walk alone.

I don't know if I was always like this, but more often than before, this feeling resonates with me. Unlike other races, there is no option for a crew, so without my friends to run it, I would definitely be going in alone, but hopefully coming out with new friends. Many others told me that it the entire race is a very communal bonding experience as everyone struggles and supports each other.

Oddly enough, I never liked the idea of a crew. While I understand the operational efficiency of having a crew, I can't help but detest the idea of asking others for help. I never want to be a burden, and I never want to accept that I can't do a thing on my own.

More recently, I feel like I want to be more supported in life. But I don't know if that's true either or if I'm just parroting internet reels advocating support. I say this because there are probably tons of people surrounding me and supporting me. But I can't feel it, because I can't accept it, or maybe I am actively refusing it. I see myself avoiding their outreached hands, so I can't possibly want their support that badly.

Part of me is very needy, and I shouldn't expect anything when others are supportive, yet I have certain expectations. With expectations, I have also developed a fear of being let down and disappointed. I don't know how to be happy with what people are willing to give and let go of my desire for more.

Sometimes, to me, it seems as basic as doing what you say, but I don't believe that's so normal anymore. I miss a culture where my word is my bond. I've grown cynical and and lonely in a world where my word is a half-hearted effort when it is convenient. I say half-hearted because I believe almost anything can be done with an honest effort. And if you aren't doing a thing, then you either don't want to or you aren't really trying. It's gotten to a point where I'm not sure if I myself am giving more that a half-hearted effort now.

Maybe this race will be a chance for me to try and put forth a full effort. Maybe I can finally inspire myself and be proud of myself.